Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘emotions’

It’s my week to host our men’s group. Guys I talk to often ask me “what goes on” in the group, so I thought I’d sketch out what a typical meeting is like.

We’re a group of 6-7 guys (one guy is currently living out of state for a few months) who meet for a few hours every other week on a weeknight. We take turns hosting at each of our respective homes in Alameda, Contra Costa, and Marin counties, and we often car-pool. We arrive at 6pm, share a meal, and then have out meeting from 7-9pm.

Whoever is hosting provide the meal – most of us like to cook, and some cook quite well, but even the best cooks resort to take-out on occasion due to time constraints. These meals seldom include alcohol, but one a few special occasions it has been offered by the host. Those assembled try to help the host in whatever way they can, but it is his night.

After we’ve enjoyed our meal and helped clear things away, we move to the living room (or whatever space is available) for our meeting. To get ‘centered’ and shed distractions, we usually go through some sort of relaxation exercise. One of our guys is particularly good at leading a relaxation meditation and enjoys doing it, so we often avail ourselves of that gift.

When we’re ready to start the meeting, the host welcomes everyone and asks if anyone ‘needs time’. Men may have something that they’ve been thinking about recently, been burdened by, had an epiphany about, or otherwise wish to share with the others. Not every man is required to share at each meeting (though there is the expectation that, over time, all men will share with the group). Then the host asks who would like to go first.

When a man shares what he has brought to the group, the other men listen. The point is the opportunity to be heard and to share feelings (“I feel” instead of “I think”). Sometimes the man speaking may not be clear or what is being shared is complex – the other men can occasionally interrupt to ask a question or clarification, but it is important to allow the speaker to continue where HE is going with his stream of thoughts and feelings.

When he has relayed what he brought to the group, if moved to do so, other men can respond. They can speak from their own perspective (“when I feel that way, I . . .” instead of “I think you ought to . . . “). Advice is occasionally requested directly by a man, but it should not be a primary assumption that a man is seeking advice in all cases. Often just being heard is enough.

The man of focus is asked if he is ‘done’ (said all he wished and heard enough responses) – if he is, another man starts his share. It is important that men assess the urgency of other men’s need to share at a given meeting since time may run out. It is also useful of the host can monitor the group to make sure we’re staying on task and not wandering aimlessly and wasting valuable time.

What have men shared? Anything and everything. Residual childhood issues, employment problems, relationship struggles, insecurities, anger, shame, dreams & nightmares, the burden of aging parents, raising children, monetary problems, etc. In all cases, the other men will encourage the man speaking to say how he actually feels about what he is sharing and not just the explanation of events (from which feelings are to be inferred). Each man’s experience of an event is unique, so we try not to make assumptions, but to get to that man’s reality.

What I find most interesting about all of this is learning that other men experience many of the same struggles and challenges that I once thought were mind alone. And some men have significant challenges that dwarf my own in comparison. The perspective provided is enlightening.

We try to make sure and wrap up nicely by 9pm. If one guy really missed sharing something, we might decide to run over or at least make a note to allow him to start off our next meeting. As a ‘close’ to our meeting, we gather in a tight circle, arms on shoulders, looking down at our feet, and chant three ‘ohm’s in unison (the sound and vibration is quite primal and brings us into a sort of synchronicity with each other).

Then its hugs all around, thanking our host, and departing for home.

Read Full Post »

Read Full Post »

LINK:  Why you might want a men’s group

You might want to keep building on the success that you are having right now! And you know that the people who are the best at what they do are always looking for another edge … another way to practice and get stronger.

You, like many men, may have had some hard knocks in the past couple of years … and now you’re trying to figure out what’s next.

You might want to stop taking your anger out on the people you love, or on strangers or on YOURSELF.

You might think that the world needs more good men.

You might want to be part of the solution to the epidemics of depression, violence, and isolation that impact men, women, and children.

Read Full Post »

This meeting’s topic was Health, but one of our men had a need to discuss something else, and we honored it.  We’ll postpone the topic of Health until next time (unless another need arises).

(We try to respond to what the men in the group need, rather than some sort of arbitrary objectives.  Our men need to know that we’re there when they need us.  We actually had a great meeting, with all the men contributing something of worth toward this man’s topic request.  We’re maturing as a group.  Cool.)

Read Full Post »

This meeting’s suggested topic is Infidelity.

This has been suggested as a topic for our consideration and was recently a topic shared between our men at a recent meeting.  Clearly there are some of us who need to talk this out.  Lacking time to think hard on this topic and write a short essay, I provide the following interesting links* to other information:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infidelity
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love/200809/does-being-true-your-heart-imply-emotional-infidelity
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/enlightened-living/200809/emotional-infidelity
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/393/infidelity
http://www.onlineschools.org/blog/infidelity/

* much of the information on the web is directed to victims of infidelity rather than a broader discussion.

Read Full Post »

Hello all, our next meeting will be on Monday June 6, 7:30-9:30.  The topic for the meeting will be Healthy Communication.

How we communicate can be crucial in the success or failure of our everyday relationships.  In the last meeting we expressed an interest in exploring all the different qualities of healthy and successful communication.  Here are some questions to think about:

What are qualities of a relationship where healthy communication is practiced?

How would you rate your own communication in relationships?

Are you the listener?  The talker?  Or do you have a good balance with both?

Are there tools one can use to practice proactive listening?

When someone you are close to confronts you and is mad or unhappy, what is the best way to communicate?  Does it automatically trigger anger or other strong negative emotions in you?  If so how do you manage your own feelings in that situation?

Society gives us the opportunity to communicate with mass amounts of people at the same time.  How do we manage an overflow of communication?

Are there tips for verbal and non-verbal communication?  ie., body language as a way to show you are interested in what the other person is saying.

Read Full Post »

We will be meeting Monday 3/28/11 from 7:30-9:30pm.
Our topic will be fear.
Fear is a pervasive part of the human condition, but its expression can take on a myriad of different forms. We can experience acute fear, in the moment, in response to a physical situation we are confronted with; accidents/disasters, extreme places (vast expanses, steep cliffs, confined tunnels).  This is perhaps the most useful and natural encounter with fear. Our bodies shift into a flight-or-fight response and operate in a subconscious way to get us through it.
But as modern humans we are confronted with many other kinds of fear which is less rational, less useful and more difficult to deal with. As our consciousness evolved so did our fears.  As we moved from total-now consciousness into consciousness outside of the present, we could begin to fear things not immediately in front of us. We developed the ability to feel attachment to something and fear changes in the future. We are faced with a deeply uncertain world today, full of unrest, looming crisis and  seemingly unrelenting natural and man-made catastrophes.
Media sources push some kinds of fear on the evening news, while not addressing things we perhaps should be fearful of. Emotional fear, outside of the moment can be like a cancer. It can slowly eat away at our ability of our mind to rest in peace and happiness. We may live in a fantasy world projecting our fears outside so that our perceived world becomes a scary fear filled landscape.
  • What kinds of fears do you struggle with?
  • What fears do you have that you think are really legitimate?
  • What fears are unexamined, old patterns that maybe once served but that should really be thrown out to free up inner space for peace, enthusiasm and joy?
  • If you didn’t hold on your fears as legitimate, what would happen?
  • Where did you learn to fear these things?
I look forward to meeting with you!

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »

%d bloggers like this: